Why Families Put Off Estate Planning | Fair Oaks Attorney

As more Fair Oaks families plan for what’s next, this is a conversation worth having.

I had this conversation with Fair Oaks attorney Ali Goff before losing my husband. Today, her message means more to me than I ever imagined.

A note before you read. I wrote this article and recorded this conversation with Ali earlier this summer, just before my husband passed away. The interview aired on my podcast and YouTube, but this article never got published. When you watch the video, remember you’re watching me before. I can see it in my own photographs: there’s a certain look in your eye and a confidence that comes from having your person, the one who does life with you. When that person dies, the rug gets pulled out from under you. There’s a fog people call widow brain, and making decisions becomes hard. That’s why planning ahead matters so much. I’ve learned this firsthand, and it has helped me understand my clients in a way I couldn’t before. I’m still learning how to live with this loss. I don’t know that grief is something we ever completely heal from. I think we learn how to carry it. I’m sharing this now because the message matters even more to me today.

And I’ll be honest. I’m trained to help families with the real estate side of probate and estates, but I’m not an attorney, and I didn’t have an estate plan either. Like so many people, I kept putting it off. Reaching out to an attorney can feel intimidating, even embarrassing, and not every attorney is as warm and easy to talk to as Ali.

Over my many years living and working in Fair Oaks, I’ve noticed something. We spend decades building a home, raising our families, and creating a life together. But when it comes to talking about what happens when we’re no longer here, most of us would rather change the subject.

I understand why. Nobody enjoys talking about death, getting older, or losing their independence. When everything is going fine, it’s easy to tell ourselves we’ll get around to those conversations eventually. But eventually has a way of arriving before we’re ready.

I sat down with Ali Goff, an estate planning attorney with Goff Legal, to talk about why so many families avoid estate planning and what happens when important decisions are left unresolved. What struck me most wasn’t the legal side. It was the emotional side. Ali said something that has stayed with me:

“Estate planning is not about death. It’s about being part of the conversation.”

You can watch our full interview here. There are no polished portraits, just a real, down-to-earth conversation.

Why do we keep putting it off?

Ali told me many people say they haven’t made an estate plan because of the cost. That’s a real consideration, especially for families already juggling everyday expenses. But after years of helping families with estate planning, probate, and trust administration, she believes something deeper is usually going on. We don’t want to think about it.

We don’t want to imagine a time when we can’t make decisions for ourselves, or picture our children arguing over the family home. So we tell ourselves everyone will figure it out. But will they?

What happens to the family home?

This is where our conversation connected with my own work as a real estate advisor. I’ve helped many families through major life transitions, and I’ve seen how emotionally complicated a family home can become.

A house isn’t just real estate. It’s where Thanksgiving dinners happened, where the kids grew up, where birthdays were celebrated. It’s the kitchen table, the backyard, the familiar creak in the hallway. When a parent dies, each family member may feel a completely different connection to it. One child wants to keep it. Another needs the money from selling it. Someone may already be living there, and another sibling may believe Mom promised them something years ago.

Now imagine sorting all of that out while everyone is grieving. Without clear instructions, even families who love one another can end up in disagreements they never imagined. The same thing happens with family photographs, jewelry, quilts, and recipes. Sometimes it isn’t about money at all. It’s about memories and what those things represent.

What families don’t know about probate

Ali shared some things about probate that would surprise many homeowners. Probate is generally a public court proceeding, so details about an estate, its assets, and its beneficiaries may become part of the public record. Settling an estate can also involve debts, property expenses, and decisions that can’t be made until the right person has legal authority.

California has different procedures depending on the circumstances, and not every estate goes through full probate. That’s one reason talking with a qualified estate planning attorney before there’s a crisis makes such a difference.

Planning for while you’re still here

What happens if you’re still here but can no longer make decisions for yourself? Who handles your finances, talks with your doctors, or decides where you’ll live? Many married couples assume their spouse can automatically handle everything, but marriage alone doesn’t always provide the legal authority needed. That’s why powers of attorney and advance healthcare directives matter so much.

Estate planning isn’t just about what you leave behind. It’s about having a voice in what happens to you while you’re still here. It’s about dignity, independence, and making sure the people you trust know what you want.

When you lose your person

One of the most touching parts of our conversation was hearing about something Ali created called the Dead Husbands Club. Yes, that’s really what she calls it! It’s a support group for women navigating life after losing their husbands, and while the name might make you smile, the reason behind it is deeply meaningful.

Losing a spouse or partner can mean suddenly managing things you never handled alone: bank accounts, insurance, bills, passwords, property decisions, and legal documents. And on top of all that, you’re grieving the person who shared your life. What I appreciate about Ali is that she understands people need more than legal answers during these times. They need understanding and connection, and sometimes they just need to sit with someone who knows what they’re going through. That’s what community is all about.

Let’s make it normal

Toward the end of our conversation, I joked that maybe we need a new slogan: “Let’s make it normal.” Normal to talk about our wishes and what happens to the family home. Normal to make sure someone knows where the important documents are. Normal to plan before there’s an emergency.

I know an estate plan can be expensive, and not everyone can take care of it all at once. But maybe it’s something worth saving for, the way we would for a home repair or a vacation. Maybe family members could chip in as a gift, or part of a tax refund could go toward it. Or maybe the first step is sitting down together and starting the conversation. One day, somebody will have to make those decisions. Wouldn’t it be better if they knew what you wanted?

A conversation worth having

If living in Fair Oaks has taught me anything, it’s that what makes a community special is people looking out for one another. Sometimes looking out for the people we love means having an uncomfortable conversation today so they don’t face confusion tomorrow.

I came away from my conversation with Ali believing estate planning deserves a different reputation. It shouldn’t be something we connect only with death, wealth, or complicated paperwork. It should be something we connect with love, responsibility, and taking care of one another. Because at its heart, it’s about leaving the people you love with guidance instead of guesses.

I’d love to hear from you: Have you had these conversations with your family, or is estate planning still on your someday list? Sometimes starting is the hardest part.

Meet Ali Goff of Goff Legal

Ali Goff is an estate planning attorney serving Fair Oaks and the greater Sacramento region. Her practice helps families with estate planning, trusts, probate, and trust administration. She also holds regular workshops at her office where you can get your questions answered. I’ve referred my own clients to Ali, and I’m glad to introduce her to more of our community. Visit GoffLegal.com to learn more and find upcoming workshop dates.

When the family home is part of the conversation

I’m Chrysti Tovani, publisher of I Love Fair Oaks and a local REALTOR® who specializes in life transitions involving real estate. Whether you’re helping a parent downsize, preparing a longtime family home for sale, or handling a property that’s part of an estate, I know these decisions are about much more than a transaction. I’m also the author of the book Downsizing with Intention, about the practical and emotional journey of making room for what’s next.

If you’re facing one of these transitions and want to understand your real estate options, I’m always happy to have that conversation.

Chrysti Tovani | REALTOR® | SRES® | Certified Probate and Trust Real Estate Specialist
DRE #01118449 | eXp Realty of California
Publisher, I Love Fair Oaks

This article is for general information and is not legal advice. For questions about your estate, trust, or probate matters, consult a qualified California attorney.